A Helpmeet for 709

Disclaimer: 709 didn't put me up to this, but I think he will be glad if and when he sees results.

This post was inspired by a late night screening of Jurassic Park and a conversation I recently had with 709. We were sitting in the control room late one night when he (suddenly, and without warning) started talking about his dating life, and about his wish to court many of the "daughters of Zion" that work here in the division. Basically the gist of his message was that he had a huge crush on all unmarried female security officers (his so called "cousin" included) and wanted to know how to get their attention. I gave him a few insights such as stamping books correctly, sideburns, aftershave, etc. His chin quivered a little bit when he was telling me this. He called himself a son of Helaman.

Interestingly, 709 has been insistent that only female security guards will do. I've often wondered if he is just drawn to girls in uniform; he hasn't been quite the same since he quit coaching girls’ high school tennis last year.

So I guess this is just a plea to all of the unmarried female officers out there. Just please go out of your way to make 709 feel special. If you're interested, start picking up what he's putting down. If not, give him a little encouragement: laugh at his jokes, wink across desks, side hugs, slap hands, etc. Basically I would just like to stop that quiver in 709's chin once and for all.

Chexits aint gonna check themselves.