Pepper Mist Training
So they have changed the protocol for peppering all you new folks. Don't start whining about it, it burns just as bad, I'm sure. But it is now in the form of a "refreshing" mist! How elegant! So if you want to prepare for it, I have a few suggestions:
1. Go home and get your favorite cologne (because I know thats how you all smell sooo good...) and spray it directly into your peepers. Then scream like a little girl... or 707...
2. Go to your favorite mexi-american taco esablishment, ask for a free sample of their spiciest brew of salsa-flavored corn-starch based non-organic hot sauce substitute, and I think you know where to go from there...
3. Find anything around the apratment that says "KEEP AWAY FROM EYES" or "IF CONTACT WITH EYES, FLUSH THROUGHLY AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS CAUSE YOU'RE DONE PAL!" and do your worst...
Just remember, have the cell phone ready in one hand, with 911 pre-dialed becasue youre not really going to be able to punch it inafter the fact, and no one wants to hear the recorded operator tell you that the number you are dialing is not valid, especailly when you're ripping at your sockets and searching blindly for the nearest source of water to douce the flame of hades that will be partying in your eyes. Remember: WE LOVE YOU! WE'LL MISS YOU! And you don't HAVE to go through with it! You may feel good about avoiding it this time, but we will be sure to make you always regret never having tried. BEST WISHES!
posted by Anonymous @ 7:25:00 AM
6 Comments:
And don't forget to breathe. Some people do that. You know. . .because of the excruciating pain and stuff.
I like how Det. Lemmon described the experience: " it feels like your eyes are impregnated with flaming barbed wire."
Your little girl screams like 707? Well, maybe you should take her to the doctor!
Unless this is normal. Then maybe your little princess had a royal sex change and is now your overweight prince. This is most likely the case if you've been trying to figure out why "she's" so hairy! If "her" mustache is tickling you every time you give "her" a good night kiss, you might want to tell "her" to stop wearing dresses too. But it's just a suggestion. But I warn ya, there's few things scarier then a cross-dressin’ southern bell.
Or, maybe your little baby is just “Big Boned.” And hey, that’s okay! Big girls need love too. If you ask me, they make the best pig callers! So that’s something to look forward to.
In any case, if you’re little . . . what ever it is, usually sounds like that, then you can rest assured that “it” will make a great contribution to the bass section in any choir!
I personally plan to scream like a little girl tonight. I'm the biggest wussy there is, and the thought of voluntarily subjecting myself to excruciating pain makes me feel a little ill.
Then again, it can't be worse than labor pains...or can it?
I'm hearing that you're only getting sprayed in one eye and the other one you get to cover. . .
THIS BETTER NOT BE TRUE!!! WHAT KIND OF PANSY CRAP IS THAT!??!
I guess the new trainees are just going to have to ask any future problem patrons to "Cover one eye" before they pepper spray them. (after diluting the spray into a mist, of course).
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