It's Time For Reform

Ok, now I know a lot of you don't like criticism, but there comes many times in our lives when we need to hear it. This one of those times.

Recently, the employees of Special Collections have noticed that we have been "socializing" and "leaning on top of the display cases." This is unacceptable. The employees of Special Collections are paid to sit there and watch our every move and they're doing a darn good job of that -- so I think we, too, need to do our job better.

We are not to talk to, nor feed the employees of Special K. Either one of these might give them an upset stomach. And no leaning. . .at all. At all times you must be standing in a perfectly vertical stance, with no variation. Even if you are shot in the stomach and you are dying, you must die while standing at attention. Don't worry, it'll be easier once the rigor mortis sets in.

Here are some other observations that I have heard about library security and I would like to pass on to you:

Special Collections employees have also noticed that we walk in circles around the exhibit, and sometimes figure-eights. This is offensive to them. They would prefer it if we walked in a shape with corners instead. Perhaps a rectangle or a square or even a pentagram. This would make our job seem more professional, they suggest. Also, no skipping -- that is just plain vulgar.

Also, the employees at Circulation have noticed that we are not stamping in the little box right after the one they have stamped in the middle of nowhere. They noticed this because they were watching us closely from their desk. So closely, in fact, that they have sacrificed looking down and actually rubbing the book on the desensitizer and they just wave the book it in the air above it. They're dedicated to watching us. Mostly because they think we're hot, but still. . .

Finally, the employees at the LRC have noticed that we have been breathing too much. They feel that our constant expiration of carbon dioxide is the reason that their computer lab is so gosh darned hot. They request that we stop breathing at once as it makes it harder for them to do their job.

If you must breathe, make sure you exhale toward the new building so all the hot air goes to Special Collections. . .where it belongs. (ZING!)

Have a good work day.