It's Time For Reform

Ok, now I know a lot of you don't like criticism, but there comes many times in our lives when we need to hear it. This one of those times.

Recently, the employees of Special Collections have noticed that we have been "socializing" and "leaning on top of the display cases." This is unacceptable. The employees of Special Collections are paid to sit there and watch our every move and they're doing a darn good job of that -- so I think we, too, need to do our job better.

We are not to talk to, nor feed the employees of Special K. Either one of these might give them an upset stomach. And no leaning. . .at all. At all times you must be standing in a perfectly vertical stance, with no variation. Even if you are shot in the stomach and you are dying, you must die while standing at attention. Don't worry, it'll be easier once the rigor mortis sets in.

Here are some other observations that I have heard about library security and I would like to pass on to you:

Special Collections employees have also noticed that we walk in circles around the exhibit, and sometimes figure-eights. This is offensive to them. They would prefer it if we walked in a shape with corners instead. Perhaps a rectangle or a square or even a pentagram. This would make our job seem more professional, they suggest. Also, no skipping -- that is just plain vulgar.

Also, the employees at Circulation have noticed that we are not stamping in the little box right after the one they have stamped in the middle of nowhere. They noticed this because they were watching us closely from their desk. So closely, in fact, that they have sacrificed looking down and actually rubbing the book on the desensitizer and they just wave the book it in the air above it. They're dedicated to watching us. Mostly because they think we're hot, but still. . .

Finally, the employees at the LRC have noticed that we have been breathing too much. They feel that our constant expiration of carbon dioxide is the reason that their computer lab is so gosh darned hot. They request that we stop breathing at once as it makes it harder for them to do their job.

If you must breathe, make sure you exhale toward the new building so all the hot air goes to Special Collections. . .where it belongs. (ZING!)

Have a good work day.

Dear Citizens of the World

I, The Former 786, have hidden a "Ripped Off" Card somewhere in the Joseph Smith Exhibit. He or she who finds it must bring it to me and then they will receive a special prize.

Good luck. Clues will be revealed in subsequent posts.

Erin Go Bragh

Top o' the mornin' to ya!

'Tis a fine day today. A day in which you can be tellin' who be Irish, and who isn't....

Well, that's a lie. I mean, even those of Japanese descent are wearing "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" buttons today.

Although usually you can tell if someone is truly Irish by the way they're passed out on the pavement, drunk (ZING!).

But today is the day in which you can tell who is fun, and who isn't. It's the same with most holidays. It basically breaks down into two groups:

Fun People: These are the people who dress up and celebrate the holiday. They're generally happy on the holidays and they try to make the best of it. These are also the people who, as soon as they realize it's a holiday, even if they forgot, they'll try to make the best of it (i.e. someone who forgot it was St. Patrick's and staples a leaf on their shirt or colors their hand with a green highlighter.) These are the fun people, the people you want to be around, want to be friends with, and even....dare I say it....the people you want to marry. (Yes! I dared!)

NOT Fun People: The "unfun" as I like to call them rebel against the holiday. These are the ones who won't "conform" and so they treat the holidays like they're any other day. They chide the fun people for (GASP) actually celebrating a special day and they insist that the traditions our forefathers gave us are stupid and childish. I'd like to see them call George Washington stupid and childish to his face when he first dressed up as a hippo to celebrate the first Halloween with the Indians. Most likely, these are the people who didn't wear green in elementary school on days like today and got severely pinched for it and have been bitter ever since. This group also includes those that forgot it was the holiday and then pretend to not care about the holiday so they won't look stupid. These people are dull and should be shot....with a syringe of fun juice.

So, there you have it. Keep your eyes peeled on the holidays for the fun and the unfun. They walk among you.

More Fun Entries

Here's a couple more fun entries from the book down in Special K:

"Why wasn't the Seer-Stone displayed?(name)P.S. Great job -- Wonderful!"
and just below that entry
"Because people are not prepared to see it.....for instance people like you! I though this was most boring."

And further down on the page

"Rabits are good."

And on one of the last pages filled out as of now

"This exhibit was the shiznit!"

Deep thoughts, from deep people.

Clickers away!!!!

Dear friends and associates,

Our honored comrade and colleague Jessica Zan wanted me to tell you this fundamental truth:

"Next time you click on the mouse on East, just remember who got it fixed--me."

That's right. Miss Zan took the initiative to call up Gen Ref and complain about the way you have to slam the mouse with your finger to get it to click properly.

(She actually said on the phone, "We have a question about the mouses...mice..."[then off the phone, to me:] "Do you call them 'mice?' ")

Then stood by her complaint when he questioned the validity thereof.

"You just have to get back here and try it," she said.

The guy tried to click it.

"Yep," he said. "It looks like it's broken."

So now, thanks to her tenacity (and the fact that they had an extra mouse in Gen Ref), the mouse is fixed.

Hats off to you, Jessica Zan.

Elections

What with all the talk of campus elections this week, and after reviewing the cadidates' platforms, I got to thinking.... and I realized that I should have ran for BYUSA President! I thought I would share my platform with you guys to see if you would have voted for me.

"When I'm elected President of BYUSA I will...."

1) Impose a checkout limit of 1 oddly shaped, oversized juvenile book per student per semester.

2) Install more hidden cameras in the library....mwahaha

3) Get more channels and Tivo for the TV by the employee entrance.

4) Give candy bars out for not correctly guessing the scores of BYU sporting events, and bring donuts on unbirthdays

5) Come up with a way to lightly shock people that walk through the 3M's without rememembering to pass their ILL books around or people that force the dock entrance open...and leave it open (that might deserve a bigger shock)

--and of course, a few things that are completely out of my circle of influence...

6) Cafe Rio in the Cougareat

7) More space in between the seats in the MARB and small JSB classrooms, likewise with any other classroom you find on campus with inadequate legroom.

8) More beef

9) More dates...hot ones

10) Less snow

So, vote 709 for BYUSA President next year, I'll make all your wildest dreams come true...

Sara doesn't like it when I tease her

So don't do it.

But she did get a new cat that she adores.

Paying Respects to One of the Greats

I wanted to pay respect to someone who I would consider one of the greatest of library security officers by re-posting two of his bests posts.

ADIO KEYING FOR DUMMIES

ol from Rove.

ahead.

ving the 2nd floor new.

4. Did you remember to close the dock?

time was that at?

teen hundred.

gone there yet, but I will.

ber the 6th floor doors, too.

4.

ister still a virgin?

ell did you just say?

egard that last message, please.

Library Security From Dispatch...

posted by Saurus at 11:39 1 comments

A Heartwarming Tale from 702

A long time ago, back when Mom was pregnant with my little sister, she accused Dad of being with another woman. So, he showed her his rove log and it proved he wasn't sleeping around. She was so happy so they decided to get married.

Rove Log: Uniting Families

posted by Auric at 20:13 0 comments

Now this last one was posted by Auric but was actually written by 702. I miss you man.

A small reminder

I may be stepping out of line on this one, but it seems some people may have forgotten (or never knew). The Control Room, while being a nice refuge for us in the library, should not be used a lot for homework. Yeah, it may be difficult to find an open computer out in the library, but there always are some available.

It's not a clubhouse. Please, don't loiter around in the control room if you're not working.