A real-life conversation

Scene: L'Afro at West on the phone with Rooster, who is in Control.

L'Afro: Blah blah Sixth Sense blah blah Signs.
Rooster: No way. Blah blah blah Signs blah blah awesome.
Former 786: [makes some unintelligible high-pitched, whiny noise.]

[Uncomfortable pause.]

L'Afro: Umm, what's up with Former?
Rooster: I don't know, but he's putting on lipstick right now, and I'm getting really concerned.

THE END.

Costume Ideas

A Question for you all... what are some creative costumes that you have either been, seen, or have thought of (and do not intend to use) for the festive Halloween Day??

Since my birthday is the day before, I was thinking of wearing... some birthday socks! Or maybe I should dress up as a cake! Gift wrap myself??

...so I'm getting desperate... give me a break...

Professionalism

Just to remind everyone of last night's discussion concerning how we should act at work.

1. Respect your responsibility as a security officer (people are relying on you).
2. Respect rules (cell phones, homework, and other things at work give off the wrong impression).
3. Respect co-workers (let's be on time, rotate and be available for our shifts).

These things will help us better our image, make the work place better, and help us to accomplish more. As a team you can hold up other co-workers to the standards they agreed to uphold when they got this job. Be a good enough friend to tell others when they are out of line and need to be a better employee. And remember that this isn't a club that pays you to show up and do what you want.

Please comment and we can further discuss this idea of professionalism and the image of library security.

Top 12s

740 referred me to the Top 12 Dumbest Comments made in the Library, which is on the back of East's clipboard. Here they are:

12. Is this the library?
11. Are there books here?
10. Am I allowed to come in?
9. Where can I find a place to study?
8. Where are some computers?
7. Can I check these out here?
6. Where is RZ .74A TO 1982?
5. Is it legal to walk over here?
4. Are you guys open?
3. Do you know where "so and so" is?
2. Where can I talk in the library?
1. Can I leave my tomatoes with you while I return this?

In my tenure, here are my favorites:

10. Can you help me find the atrium?
9. Where are all the books?
8. Do you work here? You do? Security, huh? Do you have a gun?
7. Do you have a bobby pin?
6. Do I return books here? (while gesturing toward the "RETURN BOOKS HERE" sign)
5. Do you have change for a $20?
4. Wanna go out Friday night?
3. Can I get a parking permit here?
2. Do you have a cough drop?
1. Has anyone turned in an iPod?

The post you've all been waiting for...

...pepper spray, and just how bad it hurt. (And all of you who say we're wussies *cough*The Former 786*cough* because we only got sprayed in one eye, I am here to testify that it didn't hurt any less.)

To be perfectly honest, I didn't feel anything for about 15 seconds or so. 709 took my hand and led me to the hose, where he started hosing off my face. (If you want a tender picture-perfect moment of this, you can find it on the far right computer in the control room.)

THEN it started BURNING!!!

It burned like someone funneled the fires of Hell into a big spiked mace, and then smacked me across the face with it.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, and all the orifices in my face were running like a raging river, trying to rid me of the "refreshing" cayenne spray. (I'm pretty sure I either spit on/blew my nose on 709's sweet loafers while he was helping me decontaminate myself. )

"Wait, let me hose your head," 709 offered.

"Okay," I spluttered.

So he hosed down my head, which then trickled some of the fire down my face and neck, soaking my t-shirt. Now I was burning all down my face AND sopping wet AND freezing to death. Goody.

And I couldn't get my eyes open. Could NOT. I would lift my eyebrows as high as they would go, and then squeal, "Are they open?"

"Nope," 709 said.

I lifted my eyebrows higher this time, as if my skull was trying to struggle out of my burning scalp.

"NOW are they open?!"

"No. Look, let me help you," he said, and pried open one eye with the hose-free hand.

Enter the burning-Hell-mace again, this time stabbing my supposedly uncontaminated eye.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" I screamed, hopping away.

"C'mon, you gotta get your eyes open," 709 said, spritzing me in the face with a water bottle.

"I c-c-can't open my eyes!" I wailed, hopping up and down in front of the fan. "It BURNS!!"

To make a long story short, there was a lot of screaming, a lot of water, a bit of swearing, and about an hour in front of the fans until the worst of the burning stopped. And I had to sleep with an ice pack last night because I recontaminated my right hand when I washed the cayenne out of my hair.

And I wondered, as I stood in front of the fans, my ice-cold fists clenched at my side and my face feeling well-done, why I had ever consented to do it. I'm still wondering.

So there, Former. Comments, all ye sufferers?

A Conversation with Hub and Former

I figured since it's just Hub and I tonight, we'd have a little conversation, West-Desk style. I'll put this first post up, and then we'll continue it in the comments.

Hey, hub, how's it going?

Pepper Mist Training

So they have changed the protocol for peppering all you new folks. Don't start whining about it, it burns just as bad, I'm sure. But it is now in the form of a "refreshing" mist! How elegant! So if you want to prepare for it, I have a few suggestions:

1. Go home and get your favorite cologne (because I know thats how you all smell sooo good...) and spray it directly into your peepers. Then scream like a little girl... or 707...

2. Go to your favorite mexi-american taco esablishment, ask for a free sample of their spiciest brew of salsa-flavored corn-starch based non-organic hot sauce substitute, and I think you know where to go from there...

3. Find anything around the apratment that says "KEEP AWAY FROM EYES" or "IF CONTACT WITH EYES, FLUSH THROUGHLY AND SAY YOUR PRAYERS CAUSE YOU'RE DONE PAL!" and do your worst...

Just remember, have the cell phone ready in one hand, with 911 pre-dialed becasue youre not really going to be able to punch it inafter the fact, and no one wants to hear the recorded operator tell you that the number you are dialing is not valid, especailly when you're ripping at your sockets and searching blindly for the nearest source of water to douce the flame of hades that will be partying in your eyes. Remember: WE LOVE YOU! WE'LL MISS YOU! And you don't HAVE to go through with it! You may feel good about avoiding it this time, but we will be sure to make you always regret never having tried. BEST WISHES!

Ninja power

A couple of weeks ago, I pushed the elevator button to go up to the 4th floor. Imagine my surprise when the doors opened to reveal a car-full of ninjas. I think I jumped about a foot.

(So my poker face still needs a little work--sue me. Heck, I still get the jibblies roving top old at close with the lights out. Woo!)

...okay, it was actually a group of guys dressed in black with a bunch of rappelling equipment strapped to their bodies. I made them step out of the elevator so I could ask a few questions.

"We're coming to kidnap our roommate," they chimed. "He was going to hang out with us and came here instead...with a girl."

"Um, okay..." I said, hemming a little. "Were you going to like, rappel down the side of the library?"

"No, no," said a kid who had what looked suspiciously like a pair of black boxer briefs over his head. "We just thought it would look cool."

I told them that if they wanted to pay me, I would help lure their friend out of the library, but they couldn't just tramp in and distrupt and/or scare people like that.

They agreed sheepishly, and I herded the ninjas out of the HBLL.

It reminded me of a similar night in the HBLL, but this time with two man-sized bananas and a gorilla.

How do I get all the luck?